Sunday, June 26, 2011

E-writing Assignment 1

Trapped

After all these years, the opportunity suddenly presented itself. I had been given a choice, and since I had been trapped in this dungeon for so long, the ghost has started to get on my nerves.

“JOHN” he screamed at me. “Listen, please, just…”

The rest of his speech was the same as it had been the last years I had been trapped here. I never quite understood why he just could not leave me alone. He was a ghost, so he should just be able to leave this place and never come back, but then again, I have not aged at all in this dungeon, I have not even grown a beard, so there has to be a magic barrier around it.

The dungeon itself was not inhospitable. There was a relatively comfortable bed, the warmth was agreeable and the humidity was good enough. The only light I got came from a small barred window near the ceiling of the room, which was almost twice as high up as I was tall. Unsatisfying, I admit, but the door to the room was a thick metal door without any bars whatsoever, so there was no hope of getting any light from the corridor, other than that from the feeding hatch. Thusly, the only light I got was the light of day. The bricks used to build this dungeon must have been taken from the biggest mountain I have ever seen, since they all measure up to about as high as both my hands put next to each other, and they were all warm to the touch.

I cannot even remember why I was put here in this giant of a cell. I do however not like it, as all days flow together into one large mess, and I cannot help but worry that I would never be able to get out of here. The ghost was with me all the time; he must have been hell bent on following me, since no one can throw a ghost in prison. He told me his name was Jason, which I immediately found to be an unorthodox name for this day and age. He claimed he was here to help me, but I would never believe his lies. He tells me a lot of details from what I assume has been his life, and then tried to tell me it was mine. I told him no.

Every now and then, he has woken me, as he has watched me, all night long. I thought he was trying to possess me in some way. He was a ghost after all.

“Jason, can you please listen?” he asks me in a frumpy manner.

“First of all, stop calling me Jason. “ I answer, bitterly. “Second, what is it now, wraith? Are you going to tell me I have to remember again? Are you going to tell me this can all be over if I just stop this nonsense? You know nothing of me, and I nothing of you!”

“You know everything about me, and therefore you know everything about yourself. I have told you all you need to know, but I know nothing about this John Dunkeep that you speak of. You are NOT John Dunkeep.”

“Then how come you have not called me ‘Jason’ until now?”

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you only just started listening when I call you by your real name! You are being eclipsed by this madness!”

The ghost was getting impatient with me. The first times he spoke to me, he called me by his own name, and now he had started with his nonsense again. He must have had a son, or someone close to him, that must be why he was mixing up names. I was John Dunkeep, and I will always be John Dunkeep. He tries to tell me to remember someone called Sarah. I have never known such a person.

“I am getting fed up with your trickeries, ghost. Stop telling me to remember her. I have no idea what you are talking about.”

“Your favorite color is blue, you like macaroni and cheese, and your parents are called Bertha and Roy”

I waved this off as nothing, but somewhere inside me something tingled.

It was almost time for food. This dungeon must be close to a castle, for the food I was getting was not entirely bad. The food was given to me through a tiny hatch in the thick metal door. Whenever it opens, I tried my best to get a glimpse of the outside world. The few times I have managed to see anything, I have only managed to see that the corridor outside of the cell is painted in a pale color, not white, but close to it. The floor looked to be the same color and none of it looked like rock.

Ah yes, I have been boring you with old details. The choice. I was given the choice to both stay in the cell, and regain what I had lost, or leave the cell, and embrace the light. This was told to me through the food hatch, by a voice without body.

I chose to leave it all behind, it took a lot of courage to do this, but I could see no other way to get out of this cell.

The ghost was protesting, because he thought this was a bad choice.

“JASON, please listen to me!”

“You did it again, ghost”

“Did what?” he asked me, tired as he was.

“You called me by your name.”

“That’s because I AM YOU, YOU DUMB FUCK!”

I admit that he made me lose my grip, but nevertheless, I was intrigued.

“How can you be me, lest I am not dead?” I asked.

“Stop speaking in that fake posh English. It's lest I am dead, you just used a double negative. This is not a dungeon, and I am not a ghost!” he screamed, and I saw fear in his eyes.

“Why are you scared?”

“I am scared because if you die, I die, and the only reason you are seeing the pale white corridor is because it’s your only memory of what it looks like outside the cell.”

“How do you know this?”

“I know this because, I repeat, I am you. I am your subconscious. You are Jason Dunham, not Dunkeep, and your family all died in a horrible car crash. You developed a deep psychosis, because you were already in a depression. You are incarcerated at Meadow Hills Asylum. Please just take my hand and I’ll show you everything you’ve pushed away.”

He stretched his hand out, and I was fighting the temptation to grab hold of it, but we were interrupted by the door opening with a bang.

“JOHN DUNKEEP?” asked a voice without a body.

“Yes.” I replied.

“ARE YOU READY TO TAKE THE STEPS?”

“NO!” the ghost screamed.

“Yes.” I said.

“THEN COME WITH US.” the voice said in a calm manner.

“JASON! LISTEN TO ME!” the ghost screamed at the top of his voice.

As he started to scream I ignored him. I could see the wide open plains in front of me, outside of the door. The ghost shattered before my very eyes, but I did not care. Finally, I would be able to leave. Freedom. There it was right in front of me!

9 comments:

  1. Hello! :) Nice to read you story, and thereby get a small glimpse of you as a writer!
    Yours is the second one of the assignments I've read that have a clear psychological twist and I find it quite amusing. Your descriptions of how John/Jason sees his dungeon are very good, but perhaps you're ranting descriptions when you really should focus more on the action of the story, that is, the choice your main character has to make.
    One of the things you must really work on is to keep the same tense through the story. You're mixing present and past tense not only in the same paragraphs but also in the sentences and this is very disturbing to read. For instance, the dungeon had never been inhospitable but the light comes from a window. Do you see my point? This is one of the main reasons why your story, to me, is tiresome to read.
    In addition, I would have liked to know more about the life in the dungeon, or what John/Jason thinks of it and of the reasons why he has ended up there, instead of it being just a blank. Maybe that's just me ;)
    Last, but not least: I love it when the ghost starts to yell at him and goes: "YOU DUMB FUCK!"
    That really made my day :)

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  2. Critique noted :) I have changed a bit of the story, to fit the tense. I am aware that there are some mixes of past and present tense well, present in the text, but read it again if you care to do that :)

    As for the focus on the dungeon rather than the focus on the choice. It is entirely intentional. John does not care much for the choice, he has already made it, he does not believe the ghost and he thinks he never will. So therefore he focuses on observing his surroundings instead.

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  3. Thank you for the critique by the way :)

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  4. Aw, crap! I knew I should have taken that class >.< Oh well...

    Great story! I want to read mooore!! :D

    //Lovisa

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  5. I really like your story - I find it touching but at the same time entertaining. I don’t really have anything negative to say about it, but if I would give you one suggestion for improvements I would personally like to find out a little more about Jason’s/John’s background or at least get more clues, who is/was Sarah for example? But that’s just, like I said, my personal wish and it’s up to you where you want to put your focus in the story.

    I’m looking forward to read more of your writings! :)

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  6. Hi Ruben,

    Your story was just my taste, really liked it, the sense of humor was just great. Your vocabulary and style of story writing was great, story was funny and compelling. Looking forward to read more of your texts.

    Cheers!

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  7. Sup,

    First of all I really like your story, love the twist and want to read more about him.

    And now to the creamy critic, you seamed to float of to something of a filler when you described some parts of the scenery. Although I understand what you tried to do I think you would win a bit more on describing while pushing the story forward.

    glhf and i really hope you will keep it up =)

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  8. Hi Ruben.
    I actually like that I as a reader don't know much about John/Jason. It makes me feel like I just fell down in a chapter of his life. However.. I want to know more about the events that brought him there. Maybe the ghost could have told him a little bit more about the accident and so on.

    It seems to me that the ghost have been present for a long time, and maybe he would have told him a lot more.

    All and all. A great story. Keep it up!

    /Ann

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  9. Hi Ruben!

    First of all, great story. I loved the sense of humour and your english is really good.

    I like that I as a reader don't know that much about John/Jason and his past, it adds to the mystique. However I would like to get some more anwers at the end of the story or at least more details from the events in his past that made him end up at the cuckoos nest.

    All and all a very entertaining story!

    Keep up the good work!

    // Robert

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